There in the middle of the crowd stands the one thing that gives me the will to go on, to live everyday looking forward to seeing the light hitting those expressive orbs perfectly, piercing through my very soul. The laughter that echoes from those thin lips brings absolute euphoria to my system as much as that stunning smile never fails to make my day. I know I’m in way too deep, and undoubtedly there is no going back from this pit I’ve thrown myself into, and honestly I would never have it any other way.
They say that as you go further through the rollercoaster ride everyone calls as “life” you tend to lose yourself, trying so hard to please others by pretending to be someone you are not until you become one. I should know this, since I am a certified victim of this natural phenomenon. Trying to gain individuality is indisputably hard when you are not even aware of who you are anymore. Putting up a tough and unbreakable front when deep inside you were just one fragile and lonely individual trying to fit in with the cruel world you live in. People can be so distracted that they tend to be oblivious with the person trying to escape from the barricades you built around yourself, leaving you all alone with no one to lift you up.
Although… They are not all the same there will always be “that one” who will give you their time and attention. Showing you the real beauty of life and how to live it right taking in every moment as if it were your last that was what that person taught me. Pulling me back up from the pitiful state I was drenched in. I never felt more alive in my entire life, how could a simple pat on the back or a simple “Hey how are you?” be my reason for living? How could I possibly have changed in just a span of months? I’ve gone from pitiful and miserable to a big bundle of joy and I was not even aware throughout half of these changes which obviously turned my life to the right road. But it doesn’t matter anyway since I was now awake from what seemed like a lifetime of nightmares that never failed to haunt me. All because of that certain “special person” and because of that I fell into a far deeper abyss, only that this void was a hole that I didn’t want to climb out of, no matter how much it hurt me.
As I stood up I never tore away from the gaze “my special person” and I shared and I couldn’t stop my lips from forming into one big grin which made me look weird but I didn’t bother to wipe it off seeing as it was impossible. And seeing that person smile back at me acknowledging my presence made my smile grow wider if it was even possible, it felt like my lips were going to tear.
“Hey, morning! Thought you’d never come closer you were spacing out there for a second with that goofy smile plastered on your face you looked… kind of weird,” after saying that as if on cue a snicker escaped from those thin lips.
I was overwhelmed with the scenery that all I could muster up was to keep the grin I had plastered on my face. This earned me a nudge on the shoulder “Hey! Are you alright? Did you take your meds this morning? You’re acting all crazy again!” another thing I loved about this person was the sense of humor that was very evident in every conversation we had.
“Yup! I’m fine, never better, I was just thinking… thinking about my ‘special someone’, right I was,” after that I managed to smile genuinely hoping that the person in front of me would be able to read between the lines or decipher the message that was clearly expressed through my eyes.
But instead I got cooed and teased “Wow! Someone’s in love, so who is this ‘special person’ huh? Must be one incredible individual to catch your attention and make you daze off every so often, come on you can tell me, I won’t tell!” I heaved a deep sigh after hearing that reply, keeping this secret was getting harder and harder everyday. It ate at me deep inside because I could never gather enough courage to tell it bluntly to this amazing person standing in front of me.
Almost instantaneously a familiar body came near us and the orbs I was looking at started to sparkle depicting the attraction these two shared, along with that dazzling smile that I wished was for me. Right after closing the distance between them I saw how much they longed for each other for they shared a kiss to the cheek right in front of me. It tore me to pieces and slapped the hard truth to my face that ‘my special someone’ could never be mine, I felt wrecked, wasted, useless, worthless all at once but I managed to keep my composure and smile in front of the people that damaged me beyond comprehension.
“See you later I forgot I had a date today bye!”
As I waved goodbye and their silhouettes became smaller until it was completely out of my sight my strong façade started to crumble down. My smile slowly faded away, the glow in my eyes was lost and the glee I had before slowly turned to depression, the person who taught me how to live ironically was now slowly killing me. I wondered before why people keep on loving the people that hurt them because it seemed silly at the time, but I come to understand it now being in this complicated situation. You keep loving someone even though they can’t return it with the same amount of passion because you simply want to, because seeing them smile even though it’s not because of you is much more important than you being happy. Because love is when your loved one’s happiness is more important than your own, as martyr-ish as it may seem it’s what true love is, it’s not all smiles it can also be more about tears and self-sacrifice. There are always two sides to a coin and you can never predict what you’re going to get.